My Ordainment

Why did I want this?

I'm still not entirely sure why I wanted to be ordained. 

When I was a kid I thought religious studies were really boring, but now they're the most interesting thing in the world to me. I study Philosophy in college, so I guess at some point I was drawn down this path to walk and find my place in the infinite cosmos. Ultimately, I know in my heart that ordination, priesthood, etc., don't really amount to much, but hey, it's something to do right? 

I have a bunch of different reverend cards now. So many I basically have a deck. I'm not a reverend in any one thing, but rather, a reverend with a niche expertise in a lot of weird things. I think I prefer it that way. 

There was a time when to become an ordained minister you would have to spend years and years studying theology under the church or temple, but now in our advanced digital age you can become ordained in an instant, and in some cases even for free! What a miracle!

My Journey

Still, my holy journey to become an ordained reverend to all things weird was pretty easy. Getting ordained was didn't take long; becoming a marriage officiant was somehow more difficult. It seems that although our great country has loose ideas on what constitutes a religion, each state has it's own particular opinions on what religions have the ability to become marriage officiants. 

First I got right with "Bob", and became a SubGenius Reverend. Then I thought I'd be hip and be one of the cool kids so I joined the Church of the Latter-Day Dudes. I didn't join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster because my stomach can't handle gluten too well, and I also thought it was a little too "mainstream" for me. My girlfriend joined them though, and she seems pretty satisfied with her conversion.  

Ultimately, since I live in NYC, I had to become ordained through the Universal Life Church Monastery and register under them as a marriage officiant. It isn't as funny as being registered as a SubGenius or a Latter-Day Dude, but at least now I can preside over marriages if the opportunity ever comes up. 

My Reverend Name

So why do I call myself Reverend "Guimo"? Well that's just one of my nicknames. You see my full name, Guillermo, never fit in those old video games where you could name your own character. I often used the shortened my name to "Guimo" instead. Funny enough, it's the name I chose as my SubGenius reverend name as part of my application, so it counts towards that as well. 

Choose Wisely 

Below are links to various online organizations who offer ordainment for all who seek it. This is not a complete list, but, these are my favorite online churches. Some are even free!

Church of the SubGenius

"The SubGenius material has only recently been made public. This is YOUR chance to get in on the ground floor of a huge, lucrative cult -- NOW, while rates are low. You will then be eligible for all the $$$, weird sex, and SHEER POWER OVER OTHERS that go with high-ranking membership in the Church. And yes, YOU CAN PERFORM LEGAL WEDDINGS! 
Overcome shyness and guilt with this fantastic replacement for a huge penis or 'perfect' breasts.  Read THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL and learn not only the Word of Dobbs but also ways to contact, buy from, and sell to the incredible (yet real!!) network of SubGenii and subsymps everywhere. Learn of local revivals, other secret societies, UNUSUAL PRODUCTS, Other Mutants. THIS IS NO FAKE. Puts you "in charge" of your life. You'll be READY the next time your face is on fire. Quick Condown Clampspiracy release. Easy on delicate tissues... no danger of runaway infection."

Church of the Latter-Day Dude

"Show the world that you’ve got what it takes to take it easy. As an ordained Dudeist Priest, you can minister over religious ceremonies in most U.S. States (laws vary, so check with your local County Clerk first), and assorted other countries. Preside over a wedding, funeral, or any kind of celebration with pride and authority. Or just kick back and enjoy the knowledge that you’re an ordained minister at one of the most easygoing religions in the world. There are currently about 350,000 Dudeist Priests worldwide. Help spread the Dude word! Ordaining is totally free and there are no obligations."

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

"Whatever you decide, remember this: 
FSM is a real, legitimate religion, as much as any other.  The fact that many see this is as a satirical religion doesn’t change the fact that by any standard one can come up with, our religion is as legitimate as any other.  And *that* is the point."

First United Church of Cthulhu

"First United Church of Cthulhu - Phoenix, AZ
Followers of the Cthulhu Mythos based on the visions of our mad prophet H. P. Lovecraft We are a real religion and are a legally recognized nonprofit organization Lovecraft for the 21st century.  We are the future of the Mythos. "  
contact: bitter_venus[at]yahoo[dot]com

Universal Life Church

"The Universal Life Church (ULC) is the only denomination worldwide that opens its doors to all people. We welcome all who feel called to ministry to become ordained ministers by completing our free online ordination. This ordination is completely free and legal, and grants you all the rights and privileges afforded to an ordained minister. This includes the ability to perform legal wedding ceremonies, and call yourself a minister, rabbi, priest or pastor. Millions of people have become legally ordained ministers through the Universal Life Church all over the world."


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